i have always seen myself as a strong person. i've been through so much more than any of my peers and still put that all behind me and kept going. and even though i am sometimes dealt a bad hand i still seem to find a way to keep my head held up high with a smile on my face.
but lately it just feels like im falling apart at the seams. people i thought cared about me turned their backs and deliberately hurt me. i find myself being put last by the only person i care about more than myself.
so this is me turning in the towel. you have all broken my spirit. i will no longer let my wall down.
thank you for reminding me how horrible human kind can be.

:)

I wish it would have lasted forever.

I'm spiraling...I'm only getting worse. I don't know who to turn to. Right now no one makes me feel better. No one knows what I'm going through. I wish I could just call someone up and cry and they would listen. I wouldn't feel bad because I would know they wanted to help. I hate the fact that I knew this would happen...I could have stopped this. But I let myself get close...opened up and took him in.

Wow...love is the shittiest emotion ever.

I think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he does have feelings for me...maybe he became busy all of a sudden. I can't help it that I look the way I do (actually I could help it) BUT STILL. Fucking shallow asshole. I just want him to want me, we don't have to date...I just want him to call me and talk to me. Make me laugh...be my friend. Friends are fiiiiine. Wow...same stupid situation, new boy...I really am pathetic.

Now a little song for your enjoyment.

Let‘s go down now into the darkness of your thoughts hurry up now we‘re waiting for us to fall I fall to pieces now a broken mirror in your life The silence in black and white falling forward as she walks toward the light I know
I‘m outside of your window with my radio I sleep with one eye open so I can see you breathing I follow your chest home until I can see you I can hear you breathe in exhale
I know I‘m outside of your window with my radio so I can see you breathing you are the only station, you play the song I know You are the song I know

So I watched this little movie called "Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind". I can't get over it now...it made me think. What would happen if I erased him out of my life?? Would I meet him and would we fall for eachother all over again? Would we make the same mistakes?

Forgot all about this little blog. Reading through it I realized nothings changed. I'm still obsessing over the same people and problems. I don't understand why I can't get over all of this. Why I dwell on these stupid people and make my life hell. It's funny how fast he moved on...I guess its just me and my low self-esteem. Well maybe I wouldn't have such low self-esteem if people didn't treat me like shit. I mean I understand I'm not the best looking girl in the world and maybe my personality isn't that interesting...BUT COME ON! I have feelings! I bleed too. I wish someone would love me for me. Everybody else has found that one person that loves them for who they are...why can't I? I don't understand whats wrong with me. Am I really that fat and disgusting...or do people just find me boring??? Maybe my expectations are too high...maybe I should lower them. Take what I can get. Or maybe I should just change...nobody really seems to like this me anyway.

im in love with a guy that ive known for four years...we dont talk outside of school...so does that make it weird?